What do you know?

Dirty is the second smartest guy I know. Once when he was working as a janitor at a prestegious Ivy League school he solved an "unsolvable" math problem and was offered a job working for the NSA cracking codes. They paid him a cool six-figure signing bonus.

Why is he the second smartest person I know, you ask? Because that night I took him out, got him stinking drunk and stole all his money, making me smarter than him.

We understand not everyone can be as smart as dirty and me. Thankfully for you people, there's John. He'll help you answer all life's little questions. Some examples:

q:
Dear John where do babies come from?

a:
when people have sex, God cries. his tears fall to the ground and water the ashes of the dead. the tears and the ashes mix and form a soul who lives in the ground. when a girl wearing a short skirt comes by, the soul sees its chance to be born and enters her womb. that's why girls who dress slutty always get pregnant.

q:
The economy is simply terrible right now. So what's your sure-fire plan to fix the economy and make us all filthy rich again?

a:
i can sum it up in one word: irresponsibility. irresponsibility got us into this mess and it can get us out. as you know, our economy is largely based on rampant and ravenous consumerism. but when things get bad, people get nervous and start saving. this restraint and forethought could very well be the undoing of our economy. so go out and buy something, preferably something expensive. if we all did our part and emptied our bank accounts we would be rolling joints with hundred dollar bills in no time.

oh yeah and go burn down some vacant homes. there are too many houses on the market and it's hurting property values. you'll be doing all of us a favor.

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