Here to Help

Given that we are in such a profoundly wonderful economy, its no doubt that many of our readers barely have time to catch up with our site given that they have so many work demands awaiting them. However for the remaining 98% that read us when they take time from their busy schedule of enjoying Judge Judy mete out justice to loutish oafs, here's something they can get some use from - how not to write resumes. Given that these folk are out there looking for work, we can all rest assured we will never reach a 0% unemployment rate.

Qualifications: “Professionally watered 22,500 house plants.”

Early Work History: “At the age of twelve, I began hustling newspapers like many other great Americans had done. The only difference was that they became great.”

Contributions to Employer: “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.”

Previous Work Experience: “Took the 40 pound frozen hamburger patty box out of the freezer, broke them apart with a screwdriver and a 5 pound ball peen hammer and put them in the cooker conveyor belt. Took the cooked patties and buns (there are two sizes, whopper and regular,) and put them into the appropriate sized bun. Put the assembled burgers into the steamer. It was also my responsibility to clean the tiles on the floor underneath the tables where the cleaners couldn’t reach with their machines.”

Leadership Experience: “I am the leader of a 6,000 member clan on World of Warcraft.”

Personal Attributes: “Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory.”

Reason for Leaving Last Job: “I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”

Interests: “I have unsuccessfully raised a dog.”