That's What She Said

Dirty and I are accomplished ladies' men. Between us, we've usually got no less than 6 ladies vying for our attention at any given time. Don't ask us how we do it; it's something you either have or you don't. And believe me, we've got it. But we understand that not everyone is as accomplished as we are in the ways of the fairer sex. So we've decided to post a few tidbits of "girltalk" you might benefit from knowing about the ladies.

1: Women are mysterious and predictible.
Hot southern girl #1: So, before I came up here my mom is like, "Be very careful around those northern boys, they think all southern girls just love to cook and fuck."
Hot southern girl #2: Oh my gosh, are you serious? They think that? That's so messed up!
Hot southern girl #1: I know!
Hot southern girl #2: But I really do love to cook... And fuck.
Hot southern girl #1: I know... Me too.
[Overheard in the Union Square Cafe, NYC]

2: Money always trumps funny.
Woman #1: It's really small, you know, but the sex is wonderful.
Woman #2: You mean he's rich?
Woman #1: Yeah. Exactly.
[Overheard at Union Square]

3: Everyone has a hero.
Chick #1: Have I ever told you how much I hate Sex and the City?
Chick #2: Yes.
Chick #1: I just think that if women are going to base their lives around a TV show, it should be a cooler one... like Ninja Turtles.
Chick #2: You're right.
Chick #1: April O'Neil was a good role model. She was interested in reporting the truth and wearing yellow jumpsuits. And nailing Casey Jones. He was hot.
[From overheardatwestern.blogspot.com]

4: No one is interested in personality.
Girl #1: I'm funny.
Girl #2: No you're not.
Girl #1: Yes I am. Everyone says I'm hilarious.
Girl #2: Of course they do. That's because you aren't pretty.
[Overheard at the Virgin store, NYC]

5: There's no substitute for class.
Drunk girl #1: Hey, Ken! How huge was that vagina I drew?
Ken: Yeah, it was pretty big.
Drunk girl #2: It was classy, though.
[Overheard at Kransky's Bar, St. James, New York]

6: Some events are beyond explanation.
Drunk chick: So his penis ended up in my mouth. It just happens.
[Overheard at the Backroom Tavern, Knoxville, Tennessee]

7: Honesty is valued above all else.
Chick on cell: So there's, like, a 10 percent chance I might get eaten by a cougar... if I do tell my boyfriend I fucked his brother.
[Overheard at the Virgin Festival, Vancouver, Canada]

8: Women are efficient.
30-ish blonde: Yeah, my three o'clock appointment canceled, so I lasered off my pubes.
[Overheard in a bar, Newcastle, Oklahoma]

9: First impressions are important.
Chick: Last night's blind date was so boring.
Guy: Oh, yeah?
Chick: I was so bored I got drunk, but my hair caught on fire from the candle on the table.
Guy: Oh my god!
Chick: I didn't know my hair was ablaze when he threw water on me, and I was like, 'What the fuck are you doing?!'
[Overheard on the D train, NYC]

10: God is more important.
Girl #1: My friend Chandra thinks she's still a virgin because she's only had anal sex.
Girl #2: How do you know this girl?
Girl #1: She goes to my church.
[Overheard at the New York Public Library, 40th & 5th]

11: But, family is the most important.
Woman #1: Your boss asked you to be sure to attend the company party at a strip club!?
Woman #2: Yeah, what's so bad about that?
Woman #1: Well, you're going to be surrounded by naked, gyrating ladies, and that's sexist and outrageous!
Woman #2: Really? I was looking forward to seeing my sister.
[Overheard at 630 East Lake, Chicago, Illinois]

12: It's imperative to be specific.
Boyfriend to angry girlfriend: I didn't say you had an awkward body! I said you had awkward breasts!
[Overheard at Camp, Cobble Hill]

13: Their friends are always willing to help.
Teen girl #1: Yeah, so John totally wants me to give him head even though I barely know him and we've never even hooked up.
Teen girl #2: That's so weird.
Teen girl #1: I know! It'd be such a slutty thing to do. And I've never even given a blowjob before.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, totally.
Teen girl #1: Then again, I feel like giving head is something I should do before I turn 16.
Teen girl #2: Good point.
Teen girl #1: So I'm totally going to do it.
Teen girl #2: Awesome, I can give you tips!
[Overheard on a Metro-North train in NY]